REFERENCES

Here are two references that I wrote in August 2008 for employees who were leaving our employ. These are not, of course, the real ones that I gave to their new employers, rather, the ones that I should, perhaps, in all honesty, have forwarded. The sentiments expressed within these lines truthfully reflect the characters of these two gentlemen. These could possibly be a foundation for a comedy. (T.V.series?). The names have been altered.

PANEER'S REFERENCE

by

T.J.Hurford

Paneer, who, I understand hails originally from Mumbai, is a man of great good humour and seemingly limitless charms ( many of which he keeps hidden in his locker, or, judging by the frequency with which he adjusts and consults them through his pockets, his trousers ).

A man of considerable girth - the result of a glandular problem, and nothing, he assures us, to do with his nightly diet of two curries, fifteen pints of lager and twenty chocolate puddings - Paneer commands his kitchen station with great professionalism and although we have often tried to move him to other departments to increase his culinary understanding and repertoire, his position as Head Chef of the Desserts Department has been unassailable, not least because the fork-lift truck cannot easily be manoeuvered within the confines of our premises.

I say 'cannot' but 'could not' would be more accurate since, with the inexplicable and purely accidental collapse of the main wall behind Paneer's work area, we have now been able to encourage this Titan of the kitchen to seek out pastures new beyond our own small and sadly, almost bankrupt, once thriving restaurant. It being coincidental that our demise began the day after Paneer first came to us, we would LOVE to see another establishment take up where we have left off in this GREAT man's culinary education and although you might be a rival to this firm, we would be very happy indeed to see you employ him.

P.S. Delivery can be arranged.

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JOHANN'S REFERENCE

by

T.J.Hurford

Johann, as far as we know, has never invaded another country. Neither, we believe, has he kept a female family member locked in a basement for two decades siring multiple children with her in an incestuous relationship, despite being Austrian.

Johann is, it must be admitted, relatively short, as you will no doubt ascertain if you stand up and peer over the edge of your desk, however, over time, this has proven to be a useful asset, saving, as it does, less vertically-challenged staff members from having to bend down for things on lower shelves.

Passionate to a fault, Johann can, on occasion, display many of the more interesting traits of another, far more well-known Austrian. He is very professional about his craft and, selflessly, tastes at least two, and sometimes THREE, bottles of white wine an evening, the better to understand the effects these will have upon his dishes.

His professionalism is such that, in addition, he is known to take home whole fillet steaks on a regular basis, secreted, (he would be embarrassed to let his employers know how seriously he takes things), about his person so that he can perfect his recipes on his own time and at his own expense. What a hero!.

Johann cares about fellow staff members to the extent that he communicates with them solely in four-letter words, sometimes screaming them so as to be heard above the general kitchen din.

If you are considering employing this man, please be aware that he likes to delegate responsibility the sooner to be able to go home and therein develop his culinary proficiency.

Having read this reference, if you believe that he is the man for your restaurant, then you deserve him, and if you can get him to work for you, then you will indeed be fortunate.

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